Former NPR employee Juan Williams admits he instinctively becomes queasy at the sight of men in Muslim garb boarding the plane on which he sits awaiting takeoff. "Will their actions lead to the demise of everyone on board?" he asks himself.
Not me. I long to fly on planes where every other passenger, as well as the pilot, is a Middle Eastern man dressed in Muslim garb. I don't think of how the overwhelming majority of terrorist attacks in recent years were perpetrated by men of similar appearance. I am so politically correct that I'm adroitly able to suppress chemical reactions that often occur within the body of less enlightened people, such as former NPR employee Juan Williams.
The reason it's okay for TSA agents to strip search five-year-old boys is because five-year-old boys are equally likely to blow up commercial airliners as Middle Eastern men dressed in Muslim garb. After all, five-year-old boys clearly hate us for our freedom. While they're stuck inside cleaning their room, or finishing their veggies, we're out supersizing our value meal at the local burger joint.
No, as a matter of fact I do not wish to hear statistics that make it seem as if five-year-old boys aren't a huge threat to our safety. If Peyton Manning completes twenty consecutive passes it doesn't guarantee he will connect on a twenty-first!
By being forced to remove their artificial limbs in the name of national security, it's okay those with prosthetic body parts are humiliated at airports because Al-Qaeda has threatened to use such devices in future attacks and therefore the same instinctive feeling of fear will well up within former NPR employee Juan Williams after he notices a fake-legged Methodist lady from Indiana sitting across the aisle while en route to the new vacation home he likely purchased after signing a lucrative contract with Fox News.
Don't tell me you're going to say I should question President Obama's sincere claim that forcing a Methodist housewife from Indiana to remove her prosthetic leg at a security checkpoint makes air travel much safer, and that, by asserting such nonsense, the Commander in Chief insults the intelligence of every American!?
You're probably going to add that you wouldn't feel safe sharing a plane with a limping Middle Eastern man dressed in Muslim garb had he not been randomly selected to pass through a full body scanner or receive an intense pat down. Then you're probably going to tell me that, even after receiving a pat down oozing with intensity, you're still not crazy about the idea of flying on the same plane as a limping Middle Eastern man dressed in Muslim garb because the patter-downer was an employee of the United States Government and, if getting your license to drive, registering your car with the motor vehicle department, or mailing anything of any size has taught you anything, it's that employees of the government are horrifically incompetent.
What kind of monster are you!?
Then, I have a strong feeling you're going to tell me that it's okay to yell at TSA employees who have their latex-covered hands down your underwear even though rational individuals understand they're just following orders!
You will probably argue that the "just following orders" argument holds no water because if every company and governmental body told its employees they must molest certain customers then each and every subsequent molestation would be justified, and, as a result, we'd live in a country full of molesters.
Next you'll probably say something asinine like, "Despite the struggling economy, TSA agents forced to sexually assault law-abiding citizens should take the high road and resign their post in the name of decency."
Then you'll probably have the audacity to say that this article is all over the place and makes no sense. That I'm throwing words against the wall hoping some kind of rational argument will stick and that my putrid attempt at persuasion parallels Janet Napolitano's habit of implementing random policies in hopes that, when combined, they will somehow make us safer.
You've got to be one of the stupidest people on the face of the earth and I can't wait to laugh in your face when the TSA apprehends its first terrorist. And don't you dare ask, rhetorically, "How much damage could a terrorist, stupid enough to get caught by the TSA, really do?"
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to jury duty.
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