I'm Sorry

As President Obama sat laughing at Wanda Sykes' joke about hoping Rush Limbaugh's kidneys fail, it occurred to me that the 44th President of the United States would also like some part of my body to break down.

Sure, I don't posses the power Mr. Limbaugh holds, but I strongly assume President Obama would be thrilled to see an obituary filled with dead conservatives.

The reason it's acceptable to wish that a great plague hits the GOP, is because those in pop culture have done a good job in portraying conservatives as evil swine.

In hopes that people with whom we disagree stop wishing us dead, I would like to apologize on behalf of my fellow conservatives:

I'm sorry for wanting to kill Ahmed before Ahmed comes to kill me. I am sorry that Ahmed's father, brother, uncle and great-aunt have been telling him, since he was two, that Christians are devils. However that fact does not make me want to lay down my life so that he may terrorize humanity. And for that I am sorry.

I'm sorry I believe that the definition of words should not be changed based on the emotional feelings of a specific group. Forgive me for not wanting to read the dictionary anew each morning to make sure I'm up to date, so that I don't embarrass myself by using a word the way I learned it in first grade, only to later find out it's been changed because the original definition was hurtful. For wanting to keep the dictionary the same, I am truly and completely sorry.

For wanting to inflict pain on Ahmed and his friends in order to persuade them to share information that could save the lives of innocent Americans, I am sorry. I am sorry for wanting to have my coffee made by the same barista each morning, my hair cut by the same barber each month, and my oil changed by the same mechanic each 3,000 miles. I am sorry for getting to know those people so well that I would be sad if they were blown to pieces. I am equally sorry for not feeling bad for Ahmed's physical pain.

I am sorry I don't want to give half my money to the government of the United States. While I don't wish for anyone to be without the necessitates of life, I am not the least bit confident the government can distribute my money in the most efficient way. I would much rather give my earnings to those with proven track records for helping people survive today, and become self sufficient tomorrow; while the goal of the government is to keep people continuously needing. I am sorry I see the government as it really is.

I am sorry for understanding that liberalism has never worked.

I am sorry I am not a racist person. Please forgive me for having faith that all races, religions, creeds and genders can succeed beyond their wildest expectations. I am sorry for not seeing a minority and saying, "There is no way he can succeed with help. He simply can't do it on his own." For my undying optimism in everyone, I am remorseful.

Forgive me for loving my country. I am sorry I do not wish that the United States resembled countries I do not respect; countries that value collectivism over the individual.

Lastly, please accept my deepest sympathies for not completely altering my viewpoint because it's not in line with the Democratic platform, or even in line with the viewpoint of liberals who call themselves Republicans. Would I agree with said Democrats and liberal Republicans, I would have their unwavering support.

Oh, and please forgive me for not seeking the unwavering support of Democrats or liberals who call themselves Republicans.